I haven’t written anything here in a little while on account of fighting my way out of the back end of a degree and then experiencing a kind of anxiety around returning to blogging (writing anxiety strikes again). However, on a day when not many people are around I find myself coming back to my blog in order to spew my gender feelings into the vacant void of the internet in the hopes of coming to some kind of resolution, I guess, while I write these words. I tried washing up, I tried listening to music whilst sitting on my sofa and yet I couldn’t get these thoughts to go away on their own, but I am still at the point in my life in which speaking these words to another person seems terrifying (but yelling them at the internet is apparently fine.. although having said that I have almost deleted this post a number of times at this point).
Gender musings and mumblings seem to be becoming more and more intrusive into my brain at the moment, although I am not quite sure why. It could perhaps be something to do with the fact that despite having been medically transitioned for a number of years, and by medically transitioned I mean that I was on testosterone until a year or two ago and had top surgery, I have entered into another stage in my life where I appear to be very confusing for other people. At some point my medical records at the doctors seems to have magically changed from Mr to Mx without being told or asked (although tbh it doesn’t bother me at all), and when walking in my local area last week I had to endure a parent with two children having a screaming match about whether I was a boy or a girl (the mother awkwardly telling her children off because I was clearly a man whilst her children screamed the street down telling her that I was clearly a lady).
I feel that these two events brought together kind of exemplify the conflict I feel about my own gender and presentation. I have always been masculine in my presentation because that is simply what I am most comfortable in. I have quite a significant amount of dysphoria attached to *female* associated presentation and yet I find myself inextricably drawn more and more towards a female-ness of sorts. As mentioned previously, I find myself hopelessly attached to female characters. Having spent a lot of time mucking around in the Star Wars universe recently I spend a lot of time thinking about its main female protags (Jyn, Rey, Leia, Padme, Ahsoka, etc) and playing my female Jedi Consular (Echasa Amata) on The Old Republic online. I never felt so happy as when I played my Lone Survivor, Roxxie, in Fallout 4 – a mixture of both 1940s/1950s housewife aesthetic with guns and scars, and my Star Wars Identity character Aurora – a Michelle Rodriguez type Twi’lek fighter pilot. Every protag I write that I love is female, all clothing outfits I mentally design are female… and yet….
And yet… I spent my entire life feeling entirely uncomfortable being attached to a female gender and being forced to wear clothing associated with being female. I remember during one of my first sessions with Gendered Intelligence back when I was first experimenting with the gender thing where we had to design some kind of character or outfit for something. And for mine I presented something of a kickass amalgamation of Alice and Rain from Resident Evil. This is how I often picture things in my head.
And yet the reality of doing something that in real life is so terrifying to me that it makes me feel physically shaky to the point where I just continue to actively avoid everything and anything to do with gender. We only have one mirror in our house which I only look in when I brush my teeth and clothes are literally just something that I endure having to wear, they are literally just things in which my body inhabits. And this is pretty much how I have lived my entire life… avoiding mirrors, avoiding photographs, avoiding thinking too much about clothes or fashion because I am both too afraid and too frustrated with my own body. On the few times that I have tried little tiny experiments, I either become too upset and just resort to wearing my normal clothes or deal with it but actively avoid talking about it to as many people as possible (no this cardigan is not nice, I don’t know what cardigan you’re talking about). I believe that part of this is gender based and the other part is weight based.. I have always had massive issues with weight related self esteem (something I was chronically bullied for in school) and so partly feel that a) I always look horrible in clothes because of my weight and b) that I don’t deserve nice clothes unless I’m thin..
So… where does this leave me?
Constantly exasperated, upset, and having come to absolutely no resolution whatsoever. But there we go. I said the words and now I feel like I have talked in circles! I am going to run away now before this post gets deleted.
Basically let me live in the video game RP world where I can just be whoever I want to be because reality sucks and can’t keep up with our own brains.